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The Purification of Self Focus
Photo Credit-IG: Spiritual Enlightenment Quotes
The term “Self Care” has an association with bubble baths or indulgence in material comforts. Self Focus can sound selfish. However, Self Care and Self Focus are what make us thrive as individuals and is much more rooted in self empowerment and the reality in which we create.
For many of us, Self Focus sounds like a foreign idea, because its hard to think about ourselves. Some of us have no idea what we want, how we feel, or, even, who we are. Many of us feel pulled in a million different directions with day to day life. Plus, the idea of making a change sounds terrifying. I was stuck in this mindset and pattern of thinking for many years.
I am a co-parenting mother of a seven year-old insurance/legal professional. I graduated law school by the skin of my teeth in 2013, on the heals of my divorce from my son’s father. My son was one years-old. I had no immediate family in the state and had to juggle much on my own. I am a two time bar exam failure, third time success story as of 2020.
Beyond my failed marriage, I never had failed at anything in my life before the bar. I was a model student and fantastic employee. I worked hard and loved to learn. Failing the bar was a devastating blow to my self esteem and confidence. I knew the law well. I taught most of my study group concepts they struggled to understand. How could this have happened to me? Not to mention, the bar exam is only offered twice a year, and my legal assistant job, at that time, was barely paying the bills. My life had been on hold for the bar for over a year, and I was in no better position than when I sat for it the first time.
In 2015 I took a job in insurance for better pay and a change of landscape. I took to it quickly and excelled. It didn’t take long before I got bored, but comfortable.
From 2015 to 2019, I lived for 5 o’clock, Happy Hour and vacation time. I distracted myself from my feelings of dissatisfaction (among other things) with anything that could keep me preoccupied. This started a period of my life where I simply lost passion, including for law. I climbed the corporate latter and experienced a lot of wins, but I felt a little dead inside.
It hit me in the Summer of 2019 that I was essentially one position away from “topping out” of my current area of insurance. The bar exam was never far from my mind, but the idea of even planning how to embark on that monstrous voyage- seemed impossible. However, I knew I would need to think about what next, sooner rather than later. As my child was getting older, and my circumstances were changing, I needed to think about expansion and what that looked like.
In the summer of 2019, I started to take baby steps toward the bar exam. I found some bar prep materials on Amazon, and a friend donated a lion-share of her prep materials upon successfully passing. At first, I didn’t really tell anyone that I was doing this- especially not my employer. The embarrassment of failing it again, and facing the entire world was of upmost avoidance. I studied in the evenings and on weekends.
Fate presented me with an opportunity to go to my last stop, in my realm of insurance. I am a remote or “work from home” employee, and just so happened to be in the office one day for a systems training, when I heard of a former colleague of mine was giving his notice.
The search for his replacement had not yet begun. I would get the first bite at the apple. The role my colleague was vacating, was the role for which I got into the insurance gambit, albeit my last stop.
The system training ended. I chatted with a few of my coworkers wherein I heard the news. I walked right into my old manager’s office, asked for the job, detailing my plan to take the bar exam. Therefore, suggesting that I do insurance related legal work for my company.
My secret, was no longer a secret. The pressure was on now. I had to get this done and it was going to take everything I had in me to do it. I have a very demanding job and I am a mom. I tapped into the resources in and around me. I woke up early and stayed up late. From August 2019 until February 2020, I lived and breathed Bar Exam Prep Materials. I replaced television with Torts lectures and Facebook scrolling with Evidence Outlines.
The process of focusing on the one thing that I knew would give me the key to create the life I wanted for myself, was one of purification and cleansing. Bad habits and distractions fell away or had to take a back seat. I had to be highly diligent with my time. No, left my lips more than it ever had before. Social niceties for the sake of nice became unimportant. Further, I had to recognize the people in my life that took more than they gave, and what that meant for me and our relationship. It showed me the ways I gave to get love, and how that in turn caused me to deeply resent people for not living up to my insatiable expectations, which caused disruption in my life.
Whatever I lost in those months of study, I gained back ten fold. Focusing on what I needed to do for myself to create a life I don’t have to escape from, was nothing more than a great act of self care.
Whatever your “bar exam” is, in your life, now is the time to go towards it. Whenever we set a new intention, start a new path, or embark on a new idea, the universe echoes back to us. The echo can come in the way of a redirection or opportunity. You could experience synchronicity and strokes of luck. You will never know unless you try.
What if you dont know what your “bar exam” is? Now is a time to figure that out. What lights a fire inside of you? The thing that you do, that some call work, and, you feel like its play, that is your purpose in this collective consciousness.
Its easy to tell ourselves that we can’t do it, we are too old, or we have too many responsibilities bogging us down. That’s not true and a lie we tell ourselves to keep ourselves stuck. The world needs your light more than ever before, so go towards your passion or sit with yourself to find what that it is.
Namaste.
2020 Retrograde Season Reading
2020 Retrograde Season Retrograde
Much clarity is needed on a situation that runs deep. You either need to pull back or offer an olive branch. See the divine in the other and accept yourself so you may accept them. Learn from the energy of the past. You don’t owe anyone a thing. You need to take control of this before Saturn takes it out of your hands. Commit to higher learning and understand as part of your long term investments. Expand your sphere and seek guidance from those around you.
Ground and protect your energy
Meditation-https://youtu.be/IRRrmOgh37Y
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Tibetan Singing Bowl-https://yourcosmicconnections.com/
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Hollow Valley Deck of Symbols
Galaxy Teacup- Galaxy Tea Cup and Saucer Set, Astrology Celestial Gift Starry Night Cup by Vitraaze on Etsy
Full Moon in Capricorn And Partial Lunar Eclipse
On July 16, 2019 we experienced a partial lunar eclipse coinciding the start of a full moon phase in the zodiac sign of Capricorn. This cosmic event is also occurring while five planets are in retrograde, one of which being Saturn, who rules Capricorn.
This is the last eclipse of the year and will amplify the energy surrounding the full moon. Eclipses are known for eclipsing things out of our lives. With the ruler of karma, Saturn, in retrograde in its home sign, the practical hard working, Capricorn, exits will be bringing in much needed balance and calling due on karmic debts. What you have been putting out into the collective consciousness, will be coming back to roost.
Saturn also controls the archetype of the father and who has power, authority or control over us. A shift in who we perceive as authority and what has authority over our lives will be a focus.
Where have you been limiting yourself? What power or control are you freely giving away that is rightfully yours? Who old lies are you telling yourself as to why you cannot achieve your goals? What is keeping you chained and bound?
Capricorn energy is very straight forward and direct. As the oldest earth sign, Cappies are well grounded in practicality. You’ll be seeing where it’s time to turn off the nonsense and get real and honest with yourself and aspects of your life that are holding you back or need revisiting.
A heavy focus on career and your presentation to the world will come into focus. Am I doing what brings me joy? Are my efforts better served elsewhere? How I am contributing?
This energy will likely illuminate the areas where more work is needed and where you are stuck. It will also illuminate what it’s time to give up and let go of. Eclipse energy can often be sudden and unexpected. Relationships end. Lives pass on to the next plane. You may find you’ve totally lost interest in people, places, or things that you once greatly enjoyed. Capricorn energy is one of the most honest it the zodiac.
The endings that may be experienced are fated. It’s what you need to let go of, even if you may not feel ready to.
Full Moon in Sagittarius June 2019
On June 17, 2019 in the early morning we will enter a full moon phase in the zodiac sign of Sagittarius. This moon was called the “Thunder Moon” by some native Americans. Like any full moon, the moon will be at its brightest point in its transit. It is a symbol of harvest and culmination of our efforts. With the sun in the late part of its time in Gemini, Jupiter retrograding squaring Neptune in Pisces, and Mars in Cancer opposing Saturn, this will be a moon of big plans, focus on self, expansion, vulnerability, heavy pondering, and conversation.
Sagittarius is a mutable fire sign ruled by Jupiter that is about adventure and looking past what is just beyond into the unknown. The archetype of this sign is the archer. He can change course to follow his prey, but has the dedication to track it for execution. He can be blunt and direct. Sagittarius can see the bigger picture, but can also have many highs and many lows. He can be quick tempered, yet methodical and wise. He can be spontaneous, but reliable.
Mutable signs are changeable and adaptable. Fire signs are passionate and head full force towards what thrills them in the moment. Jupiter is the planet of luck, growth, and expansion. He brings a deeper understanding to help ground the fiery limitless thrill seeker of Sagittarius. With Jupiter retrograding, there will be a full circle energy surrounding certain areas of life. There be a feeling of needed change and how to make that possible. Change may come without our doing, but it brings a sense of coming full circle.
Neptune will be in its home sign of Pisces during this moon squaring Jupiter retrograding in Sagittarius. Pisces is a very dreamy sign and can be prone to illusion and as a water sign, has deep emotions. Neptune symbolizes dreams, illusion, and spiritual enlightenment. However, Neptune can represent deceit, trickery, and naivety, which are also characteristics of un-evolved Pisces. This square can make us dream big and shoot for what seems impossible. This square can also make us unrealistic and prone to fantasy. You may feel more drawn to spiritual practice around this time. This energy also can act as a removal energy. Something needs to go to actually attain these dreams.
Mars will be in Cancer opposing Saturn during this full moon. Mars is a planet about action and aggression. It adds restlessness. Mars wants to drive forward. Cancer is a water sign that is highly sensitive, highly connected to family and very loyal. Mars in Cancer likely can create disruption in the family dynamic or leaving us feeling extremely vulnerable and sensitive in connection to familial relationships. Saturn represents the father in astrology. Saturn also represents boundaries and established order. Saturn gives us structure. This opposition and these aspects, there may be a dispute arising out of day to day life or even among governing bodies. There may be a challenge of accepted authority. There may be a major shift in a relationship with a family member or where you lack boundaries and need more order. It may be time to quick a habit that is impacting important parts of your life. There may be an area you need more discipline.
Between the moon’s time in Sagittarius and it’s transit into Capricorn, it will be considered “Void of Course.” Being void of course there will be a big shift between seeing this big picture and dreaming big and pushing you into acting on those realizations. There will be a momentum building during this moon.
This Thunder moon is the precipice of major change. It is the rumble before the lightning strike. Something likely come full circle and a deeper realization may be obtained when it comes to self and family relationships. Some new individual truths will be realized.
The sun is in the later part of Gemini, but is mostly not attached to any one sign this moon. It is going to be Peregrine, put simply, it is not heavily aspected. The sun represents self, so a self centered focus may be prevalent around this moon. This can bring a heavy sense of independence and feeling ungrounded. You may feel more focused on self improvement or what needs changing in your day to day habits. How do you fit into the grander scheme of things? You may be just a little selfish too and hungry for the spotlight.
The affect of Gemini will still play heavy with this moon. Gemini is ruled by mercury which is the planet of communication. You may feel “stuck in your head,” this moon having a back and forth conversation with yourself with the un-hinged sun. People may speak bigger and loftier than they really mean with the affect of Neptune. Words and thoughts can be a major trigger for change during this moon. There may be a lot of harsh and emotional communication. This is a good time to read between the lines of what others are communicating. Words are hard to take back once spoken.
There is a vision and idea we want to see realized by year’s end. This moon will give us the ideas to reach that goal, what needs to change, but it may seem difficult to be patient and put in the work until the moon moves into Capricorn. Write down your ideas. Focus on which goals are easily in your reach and go from there. Be realistic with yourself and others. This is also a time of finding out how we really feel and coming to terms with those emotions.
Full Moon In Scorpio May 2019
On May 18, 2019 we will enter a Full Moon phase in the zodiac sign of Scorpio. This moon is also known as the Buddha Moon and was called the Flower Moon by Native Americans. This moon will also be considered a “blue moon,” although only in name. The popular concept of a Blue Moon is when there are two full moons in one month. The traditional Blue Moon is the third of four moons in one season, which is occurring this month.
Scorpio is ruled by Pluto and is a sign about death and birth- the phoenix rising from the ashes. Scorpio is a water sign that feels deeply and can be quiet intense. Scorpio is also a fixed sign meaning they can be very stuck in their ways. Scorpio’s emotions fester and that water element has a tendency to come to a boil-needing to let out steam. A moon in this sign is usually about bringing what is hidden to the surface and highly emotional. What is at the point of boiling over? What latent emotion needs to come to the surface? What are you keeping inside that needs to be expressed?Full moons are about endings and culminations of our labor. This moon will be no different.
The namesake of the Buddha Moon is a nod to the death/rebirth of the Buddha when he gained enlightenment- leaving his role as a prince to seek something more. An old self dying and re-birthing the man we know as the Buddha. The Flower Moon is representative of Flowers blooming around this time. Flowers boom in place of what has passed on.
The sun will be conjunct Mercury and oppose the moon in Scorpio during this phase. Mercury rules communication and thought. This aspect will create a need to communicate and express ourselves. It will create a conversation between logic and emotion bubbling up. Combined with the heavy emotional energy of Scorpio, there may be an urge to communicate in an impulsive emotional way. However, the sun is still in Taurus, who is not a sign known for being impulsive (even though she can be a bit harsh in her delivery of truth). The aspect to Taurus will provide a softening energy to the Mercury aspect, bringing in a sense of observation and needing to gain perspective before speaking/acting. It will help ground and create stability with the emotion that may come up.
Coinciding this moon we currently have three planets in retrograde. Pluto and Saturn are currently retrograding in Capricorn and Jupiter is retrograde in Sagittarius. These energies have already caused a lot of shakeup in the astrology world, but will also affect the energy of this moon phase.
Pluto rules Scorpio and is a planet about the unseen, shadow, and subconscious. Pluto is about bringing the truth to the light- she is a keen investigator. She has been retrograde since April 24th. You may have already experienced an unearthing of what was buried-even what you didn’t even know was buried. With this retrograde in Capricorn, an earthy, practical, and hardworking sign, Pluto might expose the areas where you need more joy. What latent desires are not being fulfilled. Maybe you are focusing too much on work and being practical and not enough on play.
Saturn is also retrograding in Capricorn, which is her ruling sign. Saturn is the planet of karma. Saturn is also about the day to day obligations and responsibilities of life. When she is in retrograde, what you may have been neglecting in your life will come to forefront. The obligations you have been avoiding will start to nudge you to address them. You may experience an upheaval in your day-to-day routine and work-life. If you haven’t been treating others well and being dishonest, that energy will likely come to roost during a Saturn retrograde. Saturn will also highlight areas we are being oppressed or being oppressive. It can also expose problems in family dynamics and structure.
Jupiter is retrograding in his home sign-Sagittarius. Jupiter is the planet of luck, success, and wisdom. When she is retrograde there may be an urge to travel, learn something new, or seek new experiences. Sagittarius is all about fresh, new, and adventure. There may be an urge to make sudden changes due to a desire for something bigger and better. It may be best to take a step back and evaluate before making any new big moves. Once Jupiter goes direct you may not be so happy with any major life altering changes you made during the season.
Probably the biggest energy influence on this moon of the planets in retrograde will be Pluto in Retrograde, since Pluto rules Scorpio. Pluto is only one degree from Mercur. This energy will push us to go deeper on what needs to be seen and communicated. Hard conversations may come about around this moon.
There are a lot of intense energies around this moon. Trust that what may not be staying in your life, was not meant to be there. Be open to having the hard conversations-some long needed heart to hearts may be ignited. Be mindful of your emotional state and how that needs to be expressed and what needs to be addressed.
The Esoteric Nashvillian 