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Next Saturday come out and support Tbe Full Moon Market! There will be all sorts of magick makers and goodies for a fun and whimsical evening.

I’ll be with Hang the Moon and we’ll have various crystals, smudges, and vintage clothing!

Come stop by and check out Hang the Moon’s lovely collection of vintage goodies and get your reading. If you’d like to go ahead and reserve a spot with me, contact me- theesotericnashvillian@gmail.com

Admission to the event is Free!

Bearded Iris Brewing will be open for refreshments

Other vendors to support at The Full Moon Market:

Clara Jane Hemp Dispensary
FlatwoodsFawn
OndiRose Curious Crafts
Caity Pies
Magical Wellness & Boutique
Luna Rose Co.
PrissyEm
Emily Ann Hunter Illustration & Design -(http://www.emilyannhunter.com/)
Grover Cox (@govercleavlandcoxv)
Eclipse Afterglow Studios
Deer Head Studios
Tertiary Sight
Jared Brodeur – Haunted Hives (@hauntedhives)
Jennie Okon (https://www.jennieokon.com)
The J.Cater Shop
Serpentine Spiritual
J Leatherwood Trading
The Barking Rose
The Cookie Coven
Kelly McKernan
Own Your Ohm Health
Herz aus Glas
Plot 13 productions
Poverty and the Arts
Holy Rose Intuitive Arts (@holyrosenashville)
Sadie Marie Art
Tapputi Balms
Kuniko Creates (https://www.etsy.com/shop/KunikoCreates)
Hang the Moon
Scry Baby Glass (@scrybabyglass)
Moon Shine Suds
Front Porch Conjure
Xinh & Co (www.xinhandco.com)
Tristi Designs
Nips_Naturals

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Sometimes words are not as we hear them

Sometimes words hide feelings

Words can mask agendas and intentions

Loyalty has many forms

Sometimes not someone we suspect

Sometimes someone who has been there all along

Lean back into the net of love around you

Open your heart to new possibilities

Your cup is safe in the hands of those loyal to you

Careful that you are aware of who that really is

Not everyone who takes your cup is for you

Whatever falsity that has happened to you is being illuminated

Listen closely to the messages being communicated to you

Not all of them are from word of the mouth

Justice is here to bring balance.

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On July 16, 2019 we experienced a partial lunar eclipse coinciding the start of a full moon phase in the zodiac sign of Capricorn. This cosmic event is also occurring while five planets are in retrograde, one of which being Saturn, who rules Capricorn.

This is the last eclipse of the year and will amplify the energy surrounding the full moon. Eclipses are known for eclipsing things out of our lives. With the ruler of karma, Saturn, in retrograde in its home sign, the practical hard working, Capricorn, exits will be bringing in much needed balance and calling due on karmic debts.  What you have been putting out into the collective consciousness, will be coming back to roost.

Saturn also controls the archetype of the father and who has power, authority or control over us. A shift in who we perceive as authority and what has authority over our lives will be a focus.

Where have you been limiting yourself? What power or control are you freely giving away that is rightfully yours? Who old lies are you telling yourself as to why you cannot achieve your goals? What is keeping you chained and bound?

Capricorn energy is very straight forward and direct. As the oldest earth sign, Cappies are well grounded in practicality. You’ll be seeing where it’s time to turn off the nonsense and get real and honest with yourself and aspects of your life that are holding you back or need revisiting.

A heavy focus on career and your presentation to the world will come into focus. Am I doing what brings me joy? Are my efforts better served elsewhere? How I am contributing?

This energy will likely illuminate the areas where more work is needed and where you are stuck. It will also illuminate what it’s time to give up and let go of. Eclipse energy can often be sudden and unexpected. Relationships end. Lives pass on to the next plane. You may find you’ve totally lost interest in people, places, or things that you once greatly enjoyed. Capricorn energy is one of the most honest it the zodiac.

The endings that may be experienced are fated. It’s what you need to let go of, even if you may not feel ready to.

 

 

 

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On July 2, 2019, in the afternoon hours, we will enter a new moon phase in the zodiac sign of Cancer. This new moon is significant in that it coincides multiple planets in retrograde and a solar eclipse. This moon will be cleansing and deeply emotional, compounded with eclipse energy, expect some major change ups and revelations, especially involving what is near and dear.

Cancer is a water sign and is ruled by the Moon.  The moon rules our emotions, which are represented by water. The moon also represents our intuition and emotional intelligence. Cancer also represents feminine emotional energy, connection to our mother and maternal nurturing. She is a cardinal sign who often can have a more childlike approach to relationships. Cardinal signs welcome in the change of a season-a change in the season of life.

Cancer is a deeply emotional sign with a crustacean shell. She is hard to crack. The crab does not like to be vulnerable and keeps their deepest feelings safe inside their shell. Cancer is a family oriented sign who is very dedicated to those in her world. She is childlike and playful. She also hates to disappoint others and can hold a grudge like no other.  Cancer prefers to be at home and around people that feel like home and make them feel safe. She is often very entertaining and very nurturing. She can be a bit of  people pleaser.

Jupiter, Saturn, Pluto, and Neptune are currently in retrograde and Mercury is currently in shadow to go retrograde July 7th. Mercury is one of the most powerfully felt retrogrades, but during a new moon, especially an eclipse, all of these energies will be magnified.

Jupiter is retrograding in its home sign of Sagittarius. Jupiter and Sagittarius are energies about luck, travel, expansion and higher learning. This energy can create an itch to travel, dive deeper and learn something new, or a lust for new experiences. It could represent the culmination of efforts or reaching the final benchmark of something you have worked hard for.

Saturn is retrograding in its home sign of Capricorn. Capricorn is the hard worker of the zodiac and known for keeping the “nose to the grindstone.” Saturn is about boundaries, routine, and discipline. Areas of your life where you need more boundaries or issues of work/life balance could come into focus. Also, issues around a father figure or what reigns over you could come into focus.

Pluto is retrograding in Capricorn as well. Pluto is a planet of death and rebirth. Being in Capricorn, you may feel a need to declutter your life and let go of what seems impractical. This can also be a physical declutter and a call to organize your physical world. You will feel a need to shed what is dead and old to make space for change.

Neptune is retrograding in its home sign of Pisces.  Neptune is a planet about dreams, spirituality, and intuition. Pisces is a water sign that is very dreamy and a hopeless romantic. With Neptune retrograding in its home sign, this will draw us to focus on intuition and our emotional nature. It is a lesson on listening to  inner knowing and dive deeper. You may crave deeper connection around this moon. It is a good time to start a spiritual practice or reprioritize an existing practice.

Mercury will be in shadow about to go retrograde on the 7th and that will have an affect on this moon. Mercury goes retrograde multiple times a year and is usually well known by even the most novice astrology follower. It is a cosmic event that creates a lot of fear mongering. Mercury is a planet that controls communication, planning, travel, thoughts, and ideas. In retrograde, misunderstandings can arise, plans get hazy, and forward motion can be full of missteps. It’s just a period the sky is asking us to slow down. It is time to re-review, re-examine, and re-prioritize. Also, Mercury is retrograding in Leo. This energy can be filled with passion and a desire to be seen and noticed.  Communications can also come off as strong and demanding when maybe they are not intended to be. People can seem very self focused. The mishaps of Mercury retrograde typically draw us closer to areas in our lives that need attention. Aspecting Leo, this could make you evaluate how you communicate and express yourself.

So on top of all that, we have two eclipses this month, the first one a solar eclipse coinciding this new moon. Eclipses can bring people back and cut people out. The past comes back to finish up a cycle or a lesson.  A flailing relationship may reach its final demise. A sudden opportunity pops up out of nowhere. An eclipse is also a great time to quit a bad habit. The energy can aid in easing that which is hindering you out of your life.  It can also bring literal birth and death.

So what does all this mean? This moon is really going to be focusing on safety and nurturing elements. What makes you feel of service to others? Where are you over giving?  Where do you need support? What makes you feel loved and safe? Your inner child is coming out. Let’s get out and play.

Eclipses typically bring in endings. Sometimes the ending taking weeks or months to fully materialize.  You may also realize where you need more boundaries and routine needed to reach your goals leading to removals. This is a challenge to go with the flow and pay attention to what is not flowing. Re-evaluate and re-group.

Be careful not to let the clingy Cancer energy wedge an idea in your brain or view of a person that is a little naive. It will have major holding power. Hold out until you get more information and learn more. Illusion and fantasy can come easy this moon with Neptune retrograding in Pisces. Understand that people may over promise or stretch the truth a bit more. It’s not always intentionally deceptive, but well intentioned unrealistic expectations. Pisces and Neptunian energy can really create an environment where we are not seeing things clearly or communicating clearly. 

Let’s slow down and keep it light.

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Below is a list of behaviors of Codependency as relayed by Mental Health America.  I added some personal notes to this list and is no way exhaustive.

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others.

• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue.

• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time.

• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts.

• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship to avoid the feeling of abandonment.

• An extreme need for approval and recognition.

• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves. A feeling that your needs and feelings don’t matter or are less significant.

• A compelling need to control others-as a way to avoid abandonment.

• Lack of trust in self and/or others.

• Fear of being abandoned or alone.

• Difficulty identifying feelings.

• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change.

• Problems with intimacy/boundaries.

• Chronic anger.

• Lying/dishonesty.

• Poor communication.

• Difficulty making decisions.

I am a Codependent in recovery.  I have engaged in all of the above behaviors, and some not listed. I have been in recovery for a little over a year, and continuously see areas of growth for myself. However, I have achieved a level of confidence and self esteem that has escaped me much of my life. I hope to help anyone struggling with these issues and encourage others to seek the help they need.

Below is my personal struggle with Codependency and how I got to where I am today.  It wasn’t easy and still requires a desire to learn, learn more, honesty, self awareness, and continually practice compassion with self-compassion. Daily, I am presented with choices- a choice reflective of my growth or reflective of what is no longer serving me.

Before I Discovered I was Codependent

Until the end of 2017, I struggled with finding peace and contentment in my life.  I kept searching for the next relationship, friendship, project, habit, job, life path or belief system to give me what seemed to continuously allude me-self love. On the outset, I really did not know that self love was what I was searching for or missing. Yet in the process realized self love and self acceptance was really the solution to my struggles and deep healing.

Like many Codependents, I was raised in an environment lacking the nurturing and love that I needed.  I was the product of many generations of emotional, sexual, and psychological abuse. It is easy to make my parents the villains, but they did the best they could with the skill sets they have. However, I am not saying understanding this, excuses abuse and mistreatment, but understanding that it was mostly unintentional, helped me have compassion and therefore self compassion. It helped me embrace the yin/yang or light/darkness that makes us all. Part of my healing was forgiving my parents and mourning the childhood I deserved and was deprived of.

Self Loathing

From a young age, either directly or indirectly, the message communicated to me was that my needs, feelings, and wants were insignificant. In order to survive, I had to shrink down and put everyone else ahead of me. I did not have the freedom to be a care free child. If I loved myself, than I mattered-so I never learned how to love myself.

Along with an inner belief that what I need, want, and feel is not important, as a coping mechanism to deal with trauma, I learned at a young age to disassociate and ignore myself. I have an ability to “check out” and detach from chaos ensuing around me. I have an ability to push through it and hold it together even if inside I am falling apart.

I am the person who functions best under pressure and can still function when many crumble in the face of a crisis.

I often find myself very detached from my feelings due to these skill sets.  Situations arise and I will feel strong emotion that I cannot quite label. I may have conflict, an uncomfortable situation that really hurts me, yet, I am not be able to identify what really hurt me or even recognize that I am feeling emotion about it at all. I’ll even blame something totally unrelated for my feelings.

This lack of self-awareness or ignoring self, as I call it,  created major problems for me.  Ignoring self did not mean my needs, wants and feelings just went away.  I acted in ways to assert myself in often very manipulative and passive aggressive ways-mostly in a very unconscious unaware way I was doing this.

Some examples:

  • I would start an argument over something petty or not really an issue to be able to have a fight to resolve my feelings and emotions inside a relationship/friendship about something else.
  • I would manipulate a situation to create a fight or push the person to do what I wanted/needed without having to assert myself.
  • I would lie about how I really felt,  what I wanted, and needed.
  • I felt guilty for having wants, needs and feelings, so rarely asserted myself or make excuses as to why I couldn’t assert myself.
  • I would lash out in anger out of resentment for feeling unheard or acknowledged.

I also held an inner belief that I was not lovable and not worthy of love. At the core I hated myself. Unconsciously, I felt I had to prove my value and worthiness of love -since I didn’t see my own value. I would morph myself into or do what other people seemed to want or seemed to approve of or accept. I lived and died by others’ opinion or approval of me.

Some examples:

  • I would lie about liking a band, movie, book, TV show, having an experience or some other thing to create a false sense of connection with others to gain acceptance and love. **This was one of the most uncomfortable things to admit and acknowledge but huge for my growth.
  • I would over-give and over extend myself. I had to prove my usefulness to others for them to love me. Being me wasn’t enough. **I still struggle with this and have to check in with myself a lot to not slip into this.
  • I had poor boundaries and did not respect other people’s boundaries. If someone said no, I’d keep asking or push them to give into what I wanted. I had a really hard time saying no or explaining my reasoning for saying no as well or that I didn’t have to explain myself at all.
  • I could not just listen to friends vent or allow them to speak about their troubles. I had to give the best advice and “fix” their problem. I often would get very invested and attached to solving other people’s problems. I would even get upset if they did not take my advice or let me fix the problem for them.
  • I would resist making decisions or taking control of my life out of fear of being rejected or not accepted by others for my choices.
  • I apologized constantly-almost for my very existence.  I put myself down and dismissed myself a lot. Self-effacing humor was my go to in cultivating friendships.
  • I engaged in things in an addictive way- whether it be substances, working out, shopping, actual work, new habits, relationships, and lifestyles to detach from my feelings of being unlovable and/or prove how lovable I was. Nobody could possibly want to be around sober me or find me “enough.”

I held a very deep fear of abandonment and constantly sought out love in literally everything, but within myself. I would do anything to prevent abandonment-even self sabotaging good relationships/friendships.

Some examples:

  • I tolerated poor treatment and being taken advantage of. I stayed in relationships and friendships that were abusive and depleting. I was a total doormat.
  • I pushed people away and sabotaged positive change.
  • I would be passive aggressive instead of saying “no,” or hint at things I wanted or needing-expecting people to read between the lines.
  • I didn’t trust people and always suspected a false or ulterior motive.
  • I would choose relationships and friendships that were “projects,” where I was going to fix this person and make them “better.” If I was in some way superior, they would never abandon me.
  • Any change would set off my fear of abandonment and I would try to control others/situations to not allow the change or convince someone change was not needed even if it was.

Rock Bottom

At the end of 2017, I hit my rock bottom. I was severely depressed and suicidal. I was divorced and had one failed relationship after the other. I depended on alcohol or other substances to socialize or relax. I could barely function or care for my child. My work was slipping.  I was teetering on financial ruin. My anxiety was so bad I could not eat. I could not sleep.  I threw up almost every day. I was loosing weight rapidly. I did not know where I ended and other people began.

I remember one instance where I made a mistake at my job. I worked myself into a panic attack one night over the possibility of getting fired (not even a real chance of that happening) and it took me days to stop shaking and calm down.  Overall, my world seemed to be crumbling around me.  I knew something had to change.

The First Step Forward

I started therapy. This was not my first trip to see a therapist.  As a young adult I sought therapy for anxiety/depression multiple times.  I usually would go long enough to start to see positive change in my life and then would stop treatment.

At first I was going to therapy every week and was referred to a psychiatrist that I was seeing once a month.  I was able to get medication that helped ease my symptoms and my doctor exposed me to holistic methods that helped me as well.  Eventually, in addition to this, my therapist referred me to a therapy group for children of narcissistic families I attended for a year.

The therapy group was a huge part of my growth. I saw a mirror image of myself reflected back at me every week.  I heard the same narrative I knew so well repeated back to me over and over again. The self doubt. The self limiting beliefs. The self hatred. The fear of abandonment. The role I played in the whole dynamic.  I understood on a very deep level what I was missing in my life. The actions that were needed seemed so clear viewing “myself” outside of “myself” in that way. I needed to learn to love and embrace myself-all and all.

“All You Need Is Love”

At the beginning of 2018, I read Codependent No More. How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself by Melody Beattie.  It brought about earth shattering realization, major change and shifts in my life. Finishing the book was my ultimate “Ah-ha” moment.  It was a pivotal point in my awakening.  I realized what was “wrong” and why things had gone the way they have in my life. I realized I had the power to make change.

I began devouring other self help books. I remember reading Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now and A New Earth and feeling that I had unlocked a significant clue to my anxiety/depression issues. I constantly lived in my head. The idea of not thinking, being mindful, and being in the present was a totally foreign concept for me. I remember often in social situations, I couldn’t make eye contact or even speak, paralyzed by the idea I would say something “wrong.”

I cared way too much about everything, everyone,  and what others thought of me.  The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck  by Mark Manson helped me see that the less I cared-the happier and less burdened I felt. Constantly comparing myself to others was leading to my own dissatisfaction. Also when you truly love yourself and have confidence the level of fucks you give dwindles significantly.

I also started listening to Alan Watts lectures. I read his books along with Deepak Chopra. Rick Hanson’s The Enlightened Brain-The Neuroscience of Awakening was an extremely helpful audiobook filled with guided meditations on healing past trauma.

I went through a period of isolation and only spent time around people I could be totally vulnerable with. I had a lot of friends I partied with then, but few genuine close friendships. I took a break from substances that could alter my state of being, which included alcohol and even caffeine- my friendships shifted significantly. I went through a period of loneliness as I shifted and made new connections. I would be lying if I said it was easy. Idle time was always torture for me.

I spent a lot of time sitting in uncomfortable emotions instead of trying to escape them. At first it was really hard, but I had to learn to sit in my emotions and acknowledge them. I had never done this before. I had always reached for something or someone to take the pain away. It was a lot easier to distract myself than sitting in discomfort.

I started to meditate every day and also started going to a group meditation once a week. I worked out more and started taking better care of myself. I was more mindful of what I put into my body-whether that be food or surroundings.

I stopped saying “yes” when I meant “no.” I quit taking on too much work. I started to realize I had no control over anyone but myself. If I felt mistreated or felt victimized, I started to realize the power I had in the situation. I was choosing to be a victim. The idea I was powerless was a lie. I had no obligation to engage with someone or something that was hurtful- including toxic family.

Over time, my perspective shifted. I learned to appreciate myself. I learned to love myself. I learned to pay attention to what I wanted and needed regardless of anyone else. I realized it was okay if people did not accept me or love me. I cut off toxic relationships and toxic people in my life. I set boundaries. The love I had for myself was the only love that really mattered and when you truly love yourself-people love and respect you too.

Instead of looking at myself with harsh judgment and criticism- I learned my story gave me a sense of compassion and understanding of others. To accept what is and not clinging to how I want things to be-acknowledging my feelings around it and how expectation and failure to accept what is created disappointment. Learning the power of non-attachment. Learning that every moment I have another opportunity to do better.

Conclusion

I am far from perfect. I catch myself slipping on my self care and engaging in some of the example behaviors typical of Codependency. Dating is a tricky balance of respecting my needs/wants and someone else’s. Finding the courage to say no sometimes is a littler harder than I want to admit. Being brutally honest and self aware is where I find the power to keep improving and letting go of what isn’t good for me. Healing is not linear. Also, not judging myself too harshly when I don’t make a choice towards my growth and what that has taught me in the process.

I am no mental health professional, just someone who has done a lot of healing and growth. What has helped me, may not be helpful for others. What resonates for me, may not hold any merit for someone else. Self improvement is not a one size fits all process. Just a continuous commitment to betterment.